There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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