I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
