Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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