I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
