Can i not drive my cunt home
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
