Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I am never drinking with the goths again.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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