You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
