Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
