Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
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I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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