Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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