I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
