Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
