I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
