Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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