I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
