There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
