Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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