Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
