I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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