i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
