dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
