i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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