My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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