Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
