pedialite and red bull = repair kit
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
