i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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