i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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