Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My first STD was from a foam party
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
