I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
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Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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