Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
