what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
