John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
