remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
