I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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