if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
