Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
