connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The air was thick with penises
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
