I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
