My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
