I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
