you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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