On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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