The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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