Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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