Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just googled if crying burns calories
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
