I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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