You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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