I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
it hurts more in the daytime
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
