He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
