Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
