i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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