after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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