I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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