Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just pee around me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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