I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
