I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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