A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize