I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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