my shit smells like andre
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We need a shit load of segways right now
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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