What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
