i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
