my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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